Sexuality of Mature Women
Mature women, in their late 40’s to mid 50’s, experience satisfying sexuality by exploring techniques of pleasure in new ways, with and without a partner, and with fewer inhibitions than younger women. Discover how creative sensuality can lead to arousal, how using oils, creams, vaginal lubricants, massage techniques, as well as pleasure enhancing gels and toys, is all part of a healthy woman’s lifestyle at any age, but especially during the pre and post menopause years. Find out how couples can develop a greater level of intimacy, with powerful moments of mutual sexual satisfaction, and how mature singles can explore their bodies through manual stimulation as well as by using products especially designed for female pleasure, to enhance both clitoral and vaginal climaxing, without age being a factor, and especially without worrying about the need for contraception.
But Doesn’t Menopause Spell An End To Sexual Desire in Women?
No. Menopause does not mark the end of a woman’s ability to become aroused, to enjoy intimacy with a partner, to take pleasure in self stimulation or to have orgasms. And menopause certainly does not mark an end to love, nor does it signal the demise of a desire for close contact or the urge to experience physical tenderness as well as passion. Although some women (admittedly, more than men) do experience a decline in sexual desire later in life, it is not exclusively due to menopause or hormonal changes on their own, but a result of stress, exhaustion, illness, relationship tensions and other personal issues that often coincide with menopause. It must be noted that sexual behavior alterations are usually a result of other life changing events such as the presence or absence of stress due to responsibilities, economic pressures, having reached mid-life and feeling a sense of failure or inadequacy, or general poor health and fatigue, more than being effected solely by reaching a specific age. In fact studies have found that between 70% and 80% of women who have lead sexually active lives prior to the onset of menopause continue to find pleasure in their sexuality afterwards. Even more interesting is the fact that only about 20% of women experience vaginal dryness in later years, which can be solved with special lubricants, and mature women who are between 30 and 50+ may actually find a marked increased in their sexual drive and can achieve orgasms easier and more frequently even if they were unable to experience the pleasures of a climax during their 20’s or early 30’s. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this being the case, some are psychological in nature, some circumstantial and social, others physical. Let’s look at the factors that often inhibit female sexual release during younger years in order to understand how to maximize the advantages of the mature years.
Exploring Female Sexual Issues From Puberty To Menopause and Beyond
Many women in their late 30’s wonder if they will be able to reach orgasm and find pleasure once menopause begins. However studies show that the problems of sexuality begin long before midlife because less than 1/3 of women who are sexually active reach orgasm in their younger years, and even fewer through intercourse with a partner. This sexual dissatisfaction is not strictly about a specific age group, not about reaching menopause or about entering into a natural midlife crisis that every woman must go through and deal with as much grace as possible, but rather about the absence of sexual satisfaction overall in women’s lives as a whole, about a general lack of female orgasms in all ages, about the lack of male partners with whom women may practice sexual experiences in comfort and security and open exploration of pleasure, and about the female’s late-in-life discovery of how to self-pleasure herself or to know what a climax is, with or without a partner.
According to Lou Paget, author of the book, “The Big O: Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming”, who surveyed women of varying ages, found that about 47% of women who have had orgasms had their FIRST one through self stimulation. Only 32% of women have any kind of orgasm while having intercourse with a partner. But what’s most astonishing is the age of the women who experience their FIRST orgasms. Although there are instances where climaxes have been achieved as young as 18, in the majority of cases it is the mature woman (most often in her late 30’s, 40’s and even 50’s) who discovers sexuality and experiences an orgasm for the first time. Why?
Factors That Impede The Quest For Female Pleasure
In younger years, from teen to mid 20’s, women are often not yet comfortable with their own bodies, often not open enough with themselves to explore their own pleasure zones. Sometimes it is simply a matter of not fully understanding their own monthly cycles and rhythms (and how that flux can be used to their benefit and pleasure). Another factor is that young women often live under the stress of religious, social or peer pressure tension, anxious over immediate family member issues or new relationships, concerned with education and generally fitting into their environments, concerned about unwanted pregnancy that may result from lax sexual behavior, perhaps being confused about love and sexuality itself. In some cases young women are surrounded by taboos concerning female masturbation, which do not so easily dissuade young men from such exploration, but do hold women back (even if they are considered natural and healthy in men they may be considered dirty and unwarranted for women), yes even in modern society and western cultures. Then, in her later 20’s and 30’s, a modern woman often juggles a career and motherhood, spending most of her time caring for her family’s endless daily needs and also with the added issues that come with motherhood and pregnancy – a changing body after childbirth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights and many other aspects that do not make for ideal conditions for romance, sexuality, intimacy with a partner or for a relaxed environment for self exploration and pleasure. And so, many women may go through puberty, enter into adulthood, find themselves with children and responsibilities, and still may never, or seldom, have had an orgasmic experience through self love or with their spouse or partner.
Finally, a woman reaches her mid to late 30’s or early 40’s. Her children may be older, she may have more time for herself, but intimacy with a partner may have waned over the years. Relationship stress is not conducive to mutual or self pleasuring. Infidelities, separations and divorces are not uncommon elements of the midlife timeframe. Then, under stress, perhaps with a partner who’s sexual attention is directed elsewhere, mature women begin to have questions about menopause, about the famous hot flashes, about the prospect of vaginal dryness and thinning of the lining, hormone changes, and all the myths about the loss of sexual desire during the so called “change of life”. If, once again, without a partner, starting from scratch, such mature singles may wonder if their best years of sexuality have come and gone, perhaps wasted satisfying everyone else’s needs without ever having experienced a climax. Worse yet, many 30 and 40-something women do not even know they have not had an orgasm because they don’t know what one feels like, because a penis inserted into a vagina, and a movement or two, does not equal a female climax. And since a woman’s vaginal or clitoral spasmical ejaculation does not count in terms of human reproduction, it’s often omitted from a relationship. But not forgotten.
Exploring Your Own Body
Don’t worry. If you’ve read somewhere that certain women can’t climax and will never have an orgasm, this is simply not true. Although not all women do have an orgasm due to lack of expertise or knowledge, therapists and experts in the field of sexuality affirm that all women CAN experience pleasure, it’s simply a matter of how, an issue of knowing the body, of practicing and sometimes a matter of having a loving and tender partner with whom to share and explore this part of life. At any age.
While men may find that viewing young or mature pictures of women, allows them to become stimulated, even highly aroused, for a lady the process is more complex. Women are less visually stimulated and more cerebral when it comes to arousal, in other words a female climax will likely only occur if her mental state first becomes aroused and is then combined with the right physical stimulation. A picture is seldom an effective stimulant for the gals. But there are ideas that arouse and vibrations that stimulate. Since practice makes perfect, let’s get started:
Is Self Stimulation Only For Mature Singles?
It doesn’t matter if you’re a married women, someone with a partner (of either gender) or mature singles on your own, you need to understand your own pressure points, the rhythm that stimulates you, the atmosphere that creates the right mental conditions for you to relax and open yourself to satisfaction, and the things that only you can discover on your own to know what will bring the most intense pleasure and ultimately an orgasm. If you don’t know your own body, if you don’t know what feels good and what you like and how to “come”, you certainly can’t expect a partner to know what to do or how to please you. According to experts, both young and mature women can reach orgasm in at least 10 different ways, although in this post we will only explore three solutions:
- clitoral stimulation
- vaginal stimulation (not penetration but the quest for the mysterious G spot)
- clitoral, vaginal and pressure together
The three forms include variants that may include oils and gels with female stimulant additives, and vibrators and female specific toys.
Choosing What Works For You
To get started choose a place where you feel secure and relaxed, at a time when no one will call you to do something, no children will intrude, no telephones will ring, and where you can simply relax and be alone and at ease.
If you don’t know where to start, it can be useful to browse magazines, websites or videos that have mature pics, where women (either lesbian, heterosexual or bi) may be pleasuring each other or themselves. Why? If women don’t find erotic pictures stimulating, what’s the point? The reason is to get ideas about what experienced women have found pleasurable; how they touch themselves, what toys they use, what creams or oils or lubricants are most effective, and to observe techniques that can be incorporated into a personal rhythms. Why look for mature pics instead of young hotties? Mostly because the places that have the latter are designed for men, whereas there are useful videos and websites, even slightly on the side of risqué, which show mature women genuinely and uninhibitedly engaged in activities that are not designed to entice or arouse the male libido, but are primarily for women (and aren’t documentaries either).
Aids For Mature Women To Find Pleasure
Even if you don’t experience vaginal dryness, soreness or any kind of pain during intercourse, you may find certain gels and female products useful when practicing self stimulation.
1. [G] Female Stimulation Gel is a product that some mature women recommend. It’s not expensive, about $20, and just a drop can get things started. [G] is a formula that’s natural, has a smooth slippery texture, and best of all contains a stimulant that is said to heighten the sensations of arousal and contribute to more intense orgasms. It has a tingling sensation when applied and also warms as it’s rubbed. It comes in a convenient pump dispenser and is odorless and won’t stain clothing because it’s a water based product. It’s specifically designed for women by the Oceanus Naturals Company. They also make a product for mature women experiencing menopausal symptoms that’s called Internal Harmony Natural Progesterone Cream, which is made from herbs and can be rubbed on the inner part of the arms and will slowly reduce some of the effects of hormone loss and stimulate the female libido. They create another product called Add Lib, which is a libido enhancer that does not contain hormones.
2. Durex Utopia is also a female arousal gel sold at department stores, supermarkets and pharmacies, and costs about the same as the Oceanus products, and also comes in a small pump dispenser. Durex Play, also has a line of finger vibrators that stimulate the clitoris, and are sold where most Durex products are available. Regarding the Durex gel, it’s an effective lubricant that’s water soluble, very smooth and slow drying, but the arousal stimulant is not very strong. Mostly it offers a cooling sensation but doesn’t last very long. It’s recommended as a self lubricating gel, or for use with a partner (since it’s condom safe) but isn’t an intense stimulator on its own.
3. Toys – first of all, although the shops that sell sexy lingerie and toys (and often have dark windows with heavy curtains and flashing lights) may have some good items, it’s sometimes the case that these places are designed more for men than for mature women who know how to pleasure themselves. Therefore, it’s perhaps better to discretely order products (designed just for the ladies) from places like Vibrators dot com, where you can get items that really work for women like: Lelo Nea vibrator, with 10 different orgasm settings, that sells for about $70, or the Laya Spot vibrator which is contoured to fit a woman’s body. There are also things like The Kiwi which is a vibrator that offers clitoral stimulation and also flicks your labia (yummy!) and has a variety of pulsating patterns. For intense climaxes, try something like The Femblossom, which is a heated vibrator.
The thing you’ll notice that all these products have in common is that they are really designed for a mature woman or for ladies who know their body and how to pleasure it, with or without a partner. They are not high powered, hideously long rubber dilldos or instruments resembling the male organ. They are soft, smooth and curved, and in some cases look more like a computer mouse than a sexy type vibrator, but they fit where a woman needs them. They’re not the items you’ll see men getting excited about. Oh, by the way, you might like to try the items in the Tantric Tongue series of products, also designed for women, with flutter capabilities that mimic a real tongue. Some of these items are more affordable than the larger vibrators, about $36. And, for those ladies who wish to practice their newfound skills with a partner, the Venus Butterfly vibrator may be a useful addition because it can be worn during intercourse and will stimulate the clitoris during coitus leaving the hands free for other caresses.
Techniques Without Penetration
If you’ve had a chance to look at some of the mature pictures of women who love other women, you may notice that female stimulation and orgasm does not actually require penetration. Strap-on items are often more a male fantasy than a female one (not always, but quite often). And although by now you may have seen lots of pictures or had a chance to watch some instructional videos, you may still need to perfect your technique. Naturally, it’s impossible to say what’s best for all woman (no two are exactly alike), but here are some suggestions:
Clitoral
1. Clitoral stimulation through vibration, flicking, and other oral methods may be explored with a partner and alone in order to find what works (flicking and such types of stimulation while alone will require a toy). There’s a lot of emphasis on this region, the clitoris, and rightly so, but there’s one thing beginners (both male and female) often get wrong. The clitoris is a teeny organ that’s hidden behind the upper part of the labia, and for a women is somewhat like a penis, in fact it’s what would have become a penis had she developed into a man instead of a woman. That said, the very tip of the inner part of the clitoris is often very sensitive, like the tip of a man’s penis that’s uncircumcised (protected by the foreskin) and therefore OVERLY sensitive, so it’s not the best place to touch directly. For many women, rubbing, flicking, touching or vibrating the area around, and at the base, and on either side of the ultra sensitive clitoris, is usually considered more arousing that actually manipulating the very tip of the clit itself. Naturally the sensitivity of this region will be different for each woman and that’s why ladies need to explore themselves.
Self Foreplay
2. Warm oils are a good way to get started. Olive oil, unscented baby oil, or any oil that’s natural and free of additives can be lightly warmed and dribbled on the pubis, then massaged as a starting stimulant. Both young and mature women will want to warm up to self love, slowly, gently at first (it’s self foreplay), and one of the best ways to do so is with a little warm oil that will not dry out quickly or irritate the skin. Almond oil is another good one to use, and it can be massaged into the thighs and buttocks for smooth skin as a fringe benefit. Take your time to get aroused. There’s no hurry to climax. Enjoy the tingles, the spasms in the pelvic region, the sensation that you want to open yourself, that you want to be pressed, and think about thoughts that stimulate your mind (your mind is your best sexual organ) while you breath and alternate between delicious tension and relaxation.
The Famous G Spot
3. The inner area of the vaginal wall, about 2 or 3 inches (sometimes less) inside, toward the front (not the back wall), is where most women have a sensitive area. Although this region has been blown out of proportion by being called the “G spot”, it is in fact an area that can be stimulated in order to produce a vaginal (or non-clitoral) orgasm. For some reason it is usually not adequately stimulated during coitus with a partner, and therefore the toys that reach this spot are popular and can be a useful aid. The sensation that women experience with a vaginal orgasm is often much different than a clitoral one, and naturally the best of both worlds is to have a simultaneous vaginal-clitoral experience, but that requires auto-practice or a very talented and patient partner who won’t ejaculate 5 minutes after penetration.
Here’s another tip: the G spot reacts to pressure. That’s why the thickness of a male organ is usually more important than length. Pressure exerted just above or near the inner wall, if sufficient, and with simultaneous clitoral stimulus, may produce a very intense orgasmic reaction, sometimes much stronger than a pure clitoral one. This is one reason why inserting several fingers inside a woman’s vagina (even an entire hand), while simultaneously manipulating her clitoral area, may cause her intense pleasure, it’s about pressure near the entrance, not about actual penetration. Female climaxes are more about mental and physical stimulation and not necessarily copulation.
With A Partner
Once you know what you enjoy, try getting the courage to talk about it with your partner and experience mutual climaxes (or at least mutual pleasure). No, it’s probably not a good idea to approach a lover, husband or sexual partner and say, “I have never had an orgasm with you”, but perhaps instead of using words, you can begin by gently guiding hands, lips, tongue (or other equipment) to the areas that work for you and, unavoidably your reactions (when they’re good) will be noticed and will bring pleasure to you and your mate as well.
A Mature Woman And Desirability
The average mature woman, between 30-something to 40 or 50+, spends hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on eye creams, anti wrinkle gels, anti aging capsules and perhaps even anti-cellulite products, not to mention diet pills, exercise equipment or gym memberships, all in order to look attractive, in order to continue being desirable. It only makes sense that part of being a desirable woman should be becoming desirable to herself, and then teaching her partner how to please her.
Whether you’re 18 or 81, whether you’re young and sexually inexperienced or a mature woman that’s pre or post menopausal, the best advice is: never fake an orgasm to erroneously please a partner. Don’t say you’ve climaxed if you haven’t. Be honest and find pleasure with a partner if you can, and if you’re one of the mature singles who’s looking for love, start with a little “self love” and work your way into experiences that can be shared. Remember: it’s never too late to be touched, and you’re never too old to feel a little pleasure.
Men, Women, Age and Speed
When men are 20ish, they may ejaculate within 5 minutes or less after intercourse begins, which explains why 20-something ladies do not experience orgasms very frequently with their healthy and oh-so excitable partners. After age 45 / 50+, men may need a little more time to get aroused, remain erect and finally get to the point, while women may have just begun to discover their sexual selves and understand the nature and how to reach orgasm. That is why sexuality as a mature couple, in a secure relationship, can be the best sex for both a man and woman. As he slows down, she quickens the pace by knowing what she wants and therefore, perhaps at long last, it may be possible for a husband and wife (or a couple that is male and female) may finally “come” together.
When Does It All Come To An End?
According to editor Joani Blank, just the title of her book is enough to let us know when sexuality DOESN’T have to end. The book is called: “Still Doing It: Women & Men over 60 Write About Their Sexuality”.
In a Time magazine edition published several years ago, there was a very good article about having a happy and long lasting sex life (written by Andrea Sachs) that really made me laugh (and since I was in my late 30’s, made me feel hopeful about my sexual 40’s) . The article talked about women’s sexuality during and after menopause and quoted famous Dr. Alan Altman as having said: “lack of use promotes vaginal atrophy, while frequent intercourse helps maintain elasticity.” (By the way, Dr. Alan Altman, is an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, a gynecologist who specializes in midlife sexuality and menopause issues, and also co-author (with Laurie Ashner) of the popular book entitled: “Making Love the Way We Used to….or Better: Secrets To Satisfying Midlife Sexuality”.
In the end, the consensus of sex therapist, savvy doctors and mature women seems to be united: “use it or lose it” be it on your own or with a partner. Sexuality is like the brain, it gets better through use, and like muscles, must be exercised frequently to keep in shape.
